kids on swings

Some things in life are terrifying. Whether it be something active (such as playing a new sport for the first time or singing in front of a crowd), something mental, or something physical that people can see on your body, the level of terror can vary from person to person.

I’m afraid of singing and playing any instrument in front of my family. I’m afraid of playing sports because I’m far from being athletic. But above all of that, I’m afraid of people looking at me and seeing everything that’s wrong with me that I see. As dumb as it sounds, I’ve allowed my insecurity in myself to stop me from doing some things that I know could be really great for me, especially when it’s regarding how I look.

I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember. When I was about 16 or 17, I started noticing body hair show up in places that no girl/woman wants it to be. I’ve struggled with acne since it first showed up in middle school. The list goes on and on about stuff that people can physically see that I hate about myself. But then there’s the stuff that’s inside of my body that’s happening.

3 years ago, I had the worst abdominal pain that I have ever experienced. My mom took me to the ER, and that night I was told that I have ovarian cysts and that the pain I felt was from one of them erupting. Since then, I’ve had a few more cysts erupt, but it wasn’t a major concern of mine until my mom and I started discussing my health more over the last few months. Finally I went in to see the doctor, and I found out what was happening in my body. And I can assure you that I have never hated my body more than I do right now.

As it turns out, I have this thing called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS.) This is a generalized term for a bunch of symptoms – many of which I have. We believe that PCOS plays into the causes of my acne, my weight, my unwanted hair, and so much more. This sounded fine at first because I thought there would be an easy fix. I was FAR from wrong. My doctor told me that I will be more susceptible to Type 2 Diabetes, high blood pressure, and cholesterol problems. Then she told me that I’ll struggle with my weight my entire life and that losing it will be hard; this fact almost crushed me completely. But then I learned that I might have problems having kids one day…. and that part made me so sad because I have ALWAYS dreamed about having my own kids in the future. Everything that I had wanted in life seemed to be taken from me in the matter of 10 minutes.

Some things in life are terrifying. Some things in life are more terrifying than others. I’m scared that I’ll never learn to love the body that I have and that I’ll just keep teaching myself to hate it. I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to have children one day. There’s a lot that I’m afraid of.

But I won’t stop telling myself that it’s okay to be afraid of these things. Fear is a natural feeling and it’s good to feel that fear, even if it doesn’t feel good at first. I believe that you can take a bad situation and find something good in it. While some situations are harder to see the good things in, they’re there. We just have to dig a little deeper.