Girl Sitting 1

Seeing your name pop up everywhere I look is definitely not helping me from moving on from you. You being one of my best friends isn’t helping much either. You truly were an accidental crush and the rejection hurts (even if it wasn’t straight up rejection.) And no matter how much I want to keep being friends with you, and no matter how much I care about you, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still a tiny bit hurt.

Hi. I’m 20 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve learned awfully quick that rejection really sucks and can leave you feeling all the feels. On one hand I felt that much more independent. Because I am an independent woman who don’t need no man. However, on the other hand.. I felt happy for you, but also sad, confused, and simply not good enough. I’ve been rejected a few times and while I’ve never been in love with these guys, they’ve still managed to leave me heartbroken.

It’s happiness in this heartbreak because it fills me with so much joy to see you happy. I would go to the end of the earth to make sure that you stay happy in all that you do. Your happiness means more to me than my own happiness.

It’s sadness that’s in this heartbreak because of how much I care about you as a person and a friend. I want the best for you, and I now know that I’m not the best for you. Sure, we can be friends. But please know that I will never stop caring about you and wanting the best for you. Even if that means giving up on what I thought could have been.

It’s confusion that’s in this heartbreak because I want to know why I wasn’t good enough. What should I have done differently to have made you feel what I felt? Where did I go wrong? Why am I never the one that’s good enough for anybody that I fancy? Why don’t you care about me the same way that I care about you?

Even though we may never be what I wanted us to be, I still care about you and nothing will ever change that. I love seeing you grow. I love looking back on the conversations that we’ve had dozens of times. I love hearing about how you’re doing and what’s going on in your life and in your brilliant mind. I love getting really deep and personal, even if it’s way past our bedtimes and I know that you should be asleep.

I hope you find (or maybe have found?) the one you’re supposed to marry and I hope she treats you like the best person on this entire planet. I hope you love her with every inch of your body and soul. I hope she never has to experience the heartbreak that I did. Because I know that if she loves you like you love her.. it’ll be a million times more painful.

You may have broken my heart.. but I still love you. I’m just not, and I never was, in love with you.